Lesson #9 - I Miss Her More

Not sure this is a Lesson directly from Hawaii, but it is on my mind as I think about how much my sister Aggie (who passed away in late June from a sudden brain aneurysm) would have enjoyed watching Eric's interview on TV tonight.

I miss her more as the days go by.  She lived with her husband, Bob, in East Grand Forks, MN.  That is about a five hour trip on a day of sunshine and clean roads.  It becomes a seven + hour trip when the snow flies and the winds blow.  Interstate 94 simply closes down all together when the weather decides to turn nasty.

Aggie made that trip many times over the years.  She'd travel down to Watertown fairly often but it could be weeks or sometimes months before we would see one another.  So, when I didn't see her after she passed, it was hard for me to remember that she really wasn't just "up north" and that she wouldn't be traveling down in a "few weeks".

It's been about eight months since she passed and it's really sinking in that she is not coming home.  It's been too long a stretch since we  last saw her.  And it has been far too long since her last Facebook message or her last Caring Bridge post.

I miss her more now than ever.  Things happen in my days when I know she would have encouraged me had I shared a trouble with her.  She'd have had her restaurant 'regulars' praying for Eric and certainly would have kept them up-to-date on all that he has accomplished post-Hawaii.  Of all the people who posted on Caring Bridge, Aggie posted most often.  She sent us "little gifts" and anyone who knew her will understand what I mean by "little gifts" without further explanation.  She enjoyed finding something little and special that would speak to the person receiving it.

For me, the last gift I received from Aggie was a delicate snowflake charm on a necklace chain.  It was meant to remind us of the 'blizzard of love' that took over Eric's hospital room. The blizzard of paper snowflakes arrived in a large manila envelope.  People from all over Watertown wrote words of encouragement on paper snowflakes.  Dozens and dozens and dozens of those snowflakes created a virtual "white out" of love on Eric's hospital walls.  We still have each one.  Eric will need to dig those out and re-read them. Perhaps read them for the first time.  So much of his time was spent resting and recuperating that I doubt he had energy or eyesight to read them all!

But I did!  And I remember sitting in amazement realizing all the people who cared enough to stop by the Watertown Pharmacy to sign a snowflake.  Wow.  Don't ever underestimate the power of a small gesture.  Don't ever not "bother" because your idea seems insignificant.  Those snowflakes arrived when Eric needed all the encouragement he could get.  He was coming out of ICU and his bladder and bowels were in a coma.  He had lost his ability to walk and he was shocked that he could not find the energy to sit on the side of the bed (without falling over) for more than 30 seconds.  To sit up on the side of the bed was so hard.  So hard that those first days of Physical Therapy (PT) consisted of sitting up at the side of the bed for one minute and then being done.  Done!  I remember the first day they asked him to stand up, using a walker in front of him, a safety belt attached to his waist and two Physical Therapists at his sides-- he stood for a few moments (count to five?) and then sat back down and wanted to lie down and go back to sleep!  The PT's made him do that again.  Oh, the gall of those therapists...stand again?!

But back to the small things and my sister Aggie.  She sent me this beautiful snowflake necklace and she sent Eric a glass crystal angel.  Small in size.  Big in power!    I think she sent the snowflake necklace in part because she was unable to be a part of the local paper snowflake campaign.  Those paper snowflakes were simply paper to the outside world.  They were heaven's power for Eric and me.

A little third grader from Mr. Becker's classroom sent a card with an angel drawn on the front.  Inside it said, "put this card under your pillow when you go to sleep.  It will keep you from being afraid and you will be safe."    Do you think that Eric thought this was insignificant?  It was those types of gestures that gave him the courage to fight another day.  Do you get that?

Do the small things.  Those opportunities when you think, "I should do or send or say..." but wonder if it will matter.   Do it!  Send it!  And by all means, say it!

I miss her more after writing this.  

Lesson #8 Worried? Just Add Oil

Worry.  There are quotes and sayings galore that justify worry as a mother’s right, a necessary component to her DNA, an unavoidable realism in her life.  But Jesus commanded us not to worry.  He gave strict orders to stop all that nonsense and trust Him.   Trust God.  Trust the Holy Spirit within us.

Even for a really good reason, worry does not change anything.  Worry does not help an outcome or a present situation.  There is no direct correlation to the amount of worry you stir up in your heart.  The formula does not equate:  the more I worry = the better things will get. 

No, worry instills greater fear. It perpetuates doubt.  It takes the candle of faith and blows it out.  It increases the darkness.  It backfires! 

Worry is fret.  Fret is like friction.  The way we demonstrate ‘fret’ in our body language really speaks the truth of how closely it resembles friction. When you are fretful and anxious, examine how your body responds.  Rubbing your face.  Wringing of hands.  Licking your lips.  Biting your nails. Pacing the floor. Tossing. Turning. Friction is a rubbing together of two dry items.  This creates heat.  And this heat can lead to dangerous things.

Ask any mechanic. They will tell you that friction is the enemy to a well running engine.  Things rub, heat increases, engine parts burn. Damage is done.  Engines can be repaired and replaced, but the good mechanic will shake his head at the waste.  They murmur, “All that was needed to keep things running smoothly for a long time was a little bit of oil” 

Maintenance. Check your oil. Fill up what is empty. Don’t let things heat up ‘til you crack or blow up. Don’t let the grain of sand rub you the wrong way. Someone was disrespectful, how dare they treat me that way!  It starts out little.  The mechanic knows that the oil usually leaks out drip by drip.  Let things go too long and it’s a big mess.

We find ourselves worried, nervous, anxious, fretting, troubled, and overwhelmed.  What can we do?  Answer: add oil.  The oil that is referred to in Psalm 23 (He anoints my head with oil) made a lot of sense to the early shepherds.  In his book, Philip Keller, a sheep herder in his day, eloquently described the powerful message of this oil.  Sheep bothered by tiny summer flies act a lot like people bothered by tiny annoyances.  In his words…

"For relief from this (summer flies) agonizing annoyance sheep will deliberately beat their heads against trees, rock, posts, or brush. They will rub them in the soil and thrash around against woody growth. In extreme cases of intense infestation a sheep may even kill itself in a frenzied endeavor to gain respite from the aggravation. Often advanced stages of infection from these flies will lead to blindness.

"...Only the strictest attention to the behavior of the sheep by the shepherd can forestall the difficulties of 'fly time.' At the very first sign of flies among the flock he will apply an antidote to their heads.

"I always preferred to use a homemade remedy composed of linseed oil, sulfur and tar which was smeared over the sheep's nose and head as a protection against nose flies.

"What an incredible transformation this would make among the sheep. Once the oil had been applied to the sheep's head there was an immediate change in behavior. Gone was the aggravation; gone the frenzy; gone the irritability and the restlessness. Instead, the sheep would start to feed quietly again, then soon lie down in peaceful contentment.

"This, to me is the exact picture of irritation in my own life. How easy it is for there to be a fly in the ointment of even my most lofty spiritual experience! So often it is the small, petty annoyances that ruin my repose.

"Just as with the sheep there must be continuous and renewed application of oil to forestall the 'flies' in my life, there must be a continuous anointing of God's gracious Spirit to counteract the every-present aggravations of personality conflicts. Only one application of oil, sulfur and tar was not enough for the entire summer. It was a process that had to be repeated. The fresh application was the effective antidote.”

This is the cure to all worry!  Ask the Lord to anoint your head with oil.  As often as the worries crop up.  Ask for His oil to relieve the friction, calm the spirit, and settle your heart.  He will!  And it does! 

Lesson #7 We Only Have Now

As much as I like to plan ahead and dream big dreams, I really don't have much control over anything.  It was when I was completely out of control in Hawaii that I realized how true Proverbs 19:21 is, "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

Try as I might to keep my family safe, keep them healthy, and make dreams come true, I don't get the final say, I don't have the final authority, and I don't get to dictate my wishes to the King.  But that does not mean I need to be discouraged or dismayed.  It does not mean my King does not want the best for me. It does not mean my dreams won't come true.

Hurricane Hilo taught me that there is no greater joy than to be smack-dab in God's will.  If I am in a storm He has allowed, it is the safest place to be--for He is with me.  I have no desire to convince anyone that I know that I know that I know that no matter what the outcome of the Hurricane would have been, His grace would have been sufficient.  It just IS sufficient for what IS, not for what might be.

I don't go there much in my thoughts but I would venture to guess some people have wondered..."It is easy for Linda to say God's grace is sufficient when the outcome has been positive. But what would she say had Eric been permanently disabled -physically or mentally? And what would she say had Eric passed away from this horrendous disease?"

And because God did not ask me to walk those paths, I don't have an answer.  But I do believe deep in my soul that His grace IS sufficient for whatever comes our way.  He said so and I believe Him.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And I believe He loves my family even more fiercely than I do.  Why He asks hard things of His followers, I have no easy answers.  There are no easy answers when love is involved.  I remember the day I brought Eric home from the hospital as a newborn.  As the evening settled in, I was knocked off guard by HOW MUCH I loved him and how scary that was! Anything could happen to him!  Life would never be the same.   But we don't let fear win the argument.  When we welcome a child into this crazy, broken world, we shout to our fears, "I CHOOSE LOVE!"  Had I cowed to fear, Eric would be an only child.

This leads me back (on a winding road) to my lesson...all we have is now.  We don't have tomorrow.  We can plan because God gave us brains and order and (indirectly) planners.  But He has the final say.  His purpose gets to prevail because He is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving and when all is said and done, He has the best plan of all. And He loves us more than we can love us.  This I know.

Lesson # 6 Ask God "When?"

March 2012, almost one year ago, I asked Eric what his goals were.  He replied in a Caring Bridge post the following:

If I had to rank all of my goals in order of highest priority it would go as follows:

1. Get off pain meds
2. Strengthen legs to equal strength
3. Run pain free
4. Work Full-time
5. Be quick & agile
6. Buy car/move out
7. Play all sports again

During physical therapy, when asked about goals, he responded: to be able to wrestle again, to be able to pitch again, to be able to run again, and to be able to sprint again.

Then I asked Eric, "When do you think you'd like to be doing those things?"  His answer was full of wisdom.  He said there is no time deadline, but that when he could do those things, he would know he had reached his goals.  He never said "if" and he did not place an arbitrary deadline onto the goals.  His "when" seemed to be in perfect alignment with God.  How wise!

God talks about the "if" and "when" of faith and believing.  Jesus was summoned by a desperate father to heal a sick child.  The father says to Jesus, "If you can, please heal my son"  And Jesus scolds the man, "If  you can?"  "Everything is possible for one who believes!"  And then the father quickly comes to his own defense, saying, "I do believe but help me Jesus with my unbelief!"   (see Mark 9:23-25)

We also ask, "When Lord, how long, Lord, how long?"  King David cried out in anguish in Psalm 6:3 those very words.  How much longer Lord?  When can I have an answer?  When is it enough?  When will you come to my rescue?

At his worst pain in Hawaii, Eric looked at me, eyes filled with desperation mixed with a bit of despair, and asked, "When will this end? What if it doesn't get better?"

Those are some tormenting questions from a child.  I don't remember what I said.  What would you say to someone in deep agony where no one- not even the experts- sees any light at the end of the tunnel?  That is the "IF" that screams in us during our times of extreme torment.  When Eric's head was throbbing, and his nerves were on fire, and every move, sound, and sensation was like a knife stabbing him, he wondered IF it would get better.  He cried out for  an answer to "When will this end?!".  And fought off the disturbing, "What if it doesn't?"


I remember being on my knees in the chilly, basement chapel of Hilo Medical Center- begging God with the words of Psalm 6:3-  How much longer, Lord?  How much longer?  Please let things change!  MOVE! NOW!

I learned to rest on faith that God's timing is best. He has reasons beyond my comprehension.  He hears our cries and asks us to believe that EVERYTHING is possible with Him.

To take the "when" and apply it to Eric's list:

1. He is still on pain medications.  Just today he asked us to run to the pharmacy to pick up his refills.  He is needing less pain medication as time goes by.  It's a slow journey but we see progress, for sure.
2. His gait includes a slight limp.  Equal strength in the legs- not yet.  But strong enough to run.  Limp-schmimp.
3. He runs now.  Not sure it is pain-free but I do think that the pain he encounters is the day after a hard run, not during.  I'll ask!
4. Work full time.  Well he worked full time this summer and he is in school full time now.  That sounds like a resounding NOW!
5. He demonstrates improvements in both quickness and agility.  He would not be pitching 70 MPH to the U of M Women's team if he did not have some speed and agility.  Room for improvement, probably- but is that not true for all of us with most everything?
6. He has a car and he moved out.  Now. And now.
7. He played football with the cousins at Thanksgiving.  He ran in the Turkey Trot they threw together.  He played softball all summer.  He wrestled in the High School wrestling room as an alumni.  All with some limitations.

Lots of "now" answers to the "when" question.  But lots of "not yet" to others.  Perhaps "never" to some.  But only because that will be the best answer for the most people for the most glory to God.

Go ahead- ask God when!

Lesson # 5 We All Bleed Red

I start to wonder if I have any right to speak on Eric's story. Is it right for me to talk about someone else's story?  I mean, shouldn't Eric do the talking?   This is his story; this happened to him, after all.  But a gentle answer from the  Holy Spirit reassures me there is room for my words on the subject.

The Spirit reminded me of the greatest story ever told- Jesus Christ crucified; our salvation through Christ's death payment.  Whose story was that? It was Jesus' story.  But truly, his mother, Mary, had a story of her own.  And if she were here today, I sure would want to hear her side of things!  Probably because it would match up so closely with my feelings, thoughts, and concerns.  Although we do not have any record of Mary speaking about the crucifixion and all that led up to it and all that followed, I am convinced she had an audience, all the same.  Her best friends wanted to know, right?  Her neighbors had curiosity, not?  How did she deal with all of it?  What went through her mind?  She knew a broken heart. She endured what no mom ought to endure.  She was helpless to help her son.  She had a story, too.

Which leads me to the lesson learned- we all bleed red.  We all have wounds.  We all have scars. We all get lost.  We all cry tears. We all get stabbed by cruel words and unfair judgments.  We all fall down. We all lose faith. We all wonder why.  We all have doubts. We all bleed red.

I don't care how immaculate Mary was- she was a mom and she was a human being and she had to have wondered why, cried, sank into the depths, lost her bearings, wished it were not so, and hurt so deep she could scarcely breathe....

And we would listen to her story!  It would never grow old or lose its salt.  I am sure of it.  For the very power of Almighty God is upon it.  It is story of His living, breathing grace-- which is new every morning!

So, I will get that speaking gig started.  As unsure as I am about every aspect of it.  The reason my story is worth telling is because the power of Almighty God is in it.  It is His story- it is about His living, breathing grace.  That never gets old.

Hawaii showed me that people are kind. Wherever we go, goodness and mercy follow us. (Psalm 23) Hurricane Hilo awakened in me the realization that we are all on this rugged journey of life, working to figure it out.  We all need a Savior.  We all have one, if we receive Him.  And we all get cut...and we all bleed red.  

Lesson # 4 A Time to Laugh

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. - Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

What's so funny?

The funny thing is, Rat Lungworm Meningitis at its worst, had Eric wondering if he would ever want to laugh again.  It hurt him to consider the idea.  Much like you wonder if you will ever want to eat again when you are crouched over a bucket retching with the stomach flu. 

 To laugh when Eric was in such deep agony would have been bad timing.  I did not even want to put the TV on, for fear some comedy would taunt Eric in his misery.  His nerve hypersensitivity was so extreme at one point on this journey that a pineapple tidbit falling onto his lap while I fed him would send him writhing.  He did not cry, as that would have caused additional nerve pain.  Instead, he winced. He would holler out and then close his eyes and barely breathe.  I could see tears roll out the sides of his closed lids.  If timing is everything, that was NOT the time to laugh.

But right before Eric ended up in ICU, God gave me the gift of laughter.  If you asked me what time it was in Hawaii, I'd a had to say, "It's a time to weep"  For everything there is a season, and that was a season of tears.  Yet, just before things took a turn for the worst, God prescribed the best medicine- laughter.

Eric was beginning to hallucinate.  Sort of. It was not due to high fevers, but most likely to the parasites swimming precariously close to brain matter.  They stayed this side of the meninges- the outer lining of the brain (where they dog-gone died after about 7 weeks of swim fun)- but there is never room in a person's brain for worms, right?!  I recorded the following episode.  Eric told me upon waking on the morning of November 27th, that he had talked to Joe.  I was quite surprised for a number of reasons.  One, I was with Eric almost all waking hours and two, Joe never calls anyone. So I say, "Really?, When?" And Eric continues, "Well, not just now, but I was talking to him and he was watching The Lion King and I asked Joe who was the voice of the Lion and Joe said he didn't know.  I told him to guess but Joe couldn't guess.  Then I told him it was my voice.  Not really my voice, but my voice.  It is hard to explain.....oh crap! What am I talking about?  I hate this! I make no sense. Whatever...."

 It was funny, sort of, but not funny, really.  Not at that moment.  What was happening to Eric's mind to send him into a strange sort of land where Joe Reinert makes phone calls?  Later, when that nonsense talk resurfaced, I ought to have been a crazy mom-- hysterical with fear.  But God's grace walked through the door and changed things.  

 A radiologist, David, at the hospital contracted Rat Lungworm.  He was out of work for nearly a year.  He had recently returned.  He stepped into the room and proceeded to share with me his episodes of nonsense.  He said he was out of it for most of the seven weeks he was in the hospital and he cannot really remember much pain, but he does have vivid memories of believing he was in a strange hospital that turned into a homeless shelter.  The man next to him was taking out David's IV.  He kept assuring David it was OK.  David remembers wondering what happened to the doctors and nurses?  Was this really how things had to be in America?  It was that real to him.  

 But the part of David's story - the part that God used as medicine for my fearful heart - was when David mentioned the cats.  He said every time someone came to visit him, many cats followed.  They always got in the door.  Even when David asked people to be sure to not let the cats in.  They would sit on his lap.  He would ask his visitors to please take the cats away.  The worst part of the cats in the homeless shelter hospital was the shape of their heads.  David said they were square-headed cats.  1950's flat-top cats.  Creepy.  

 This all was a relief.  A way to laugh at the danger.  A way to face the fear and say, "Ha!, You can't scare me!" And a way to reconcile Eric's condition with hope of recovery.  Eric talked about wanting to eat his supper- sitting on a tray right in front of him.  But he couldn't.  There was all that dirt in the way.  And he had to dig it up.  And yet he kept telling me he wanted to eat.  I kept telling him to go ahead and eat.  I would help.  He just argued.  And like a light switch, he turned off the crazy talk.  And ate.  

If you are in a season of weeping, I pray God offers up a prescription of hope: Laughter- the best medicine.  In a small dose, perhaps.  Since, maybe things are still not at all funny.  But may you find something about your situation to laugh at. May God send you the healing touch of humor. 

And on a final note, when Eric visits, the glorious music of his laughter fills the air.  What a joyful noise!

Lesson # 3 God Promises an Abundant Life!

Just to make it clear from the start- before lessons accumulate and someone credits the wrong source.  These are not my lessons.  I am not teaching or preaching anything from my capacity.  I'm empty.  If I were full of lessons to teach from "me", I'd be full of it, all right.

No.  This series of lessons is simply things I learned.  My lessons from God.  I share what I have learned with you because His wisdom is for everyone.  He can teach through me.  He can do anything He wants with this blog.  I learned a lot from His mighty hand.  And I am recording the lessons on paper lest I forget.

So a lesson from Hurricane Hilo- Lesson # 3 in my blog- is to make perfectly clear who gets the credit.  Jesus is the Teacher, Author, and final Authority.  These are His lessons.  Nurse Veronica's words continue to ring in my ears:  "Remember Who is in control here, not you!  God is in control!"

If your day seems 'out of control', perhaps you've forgotten Who's in charge.  It's good for me to reflect on His character:

• Jesus is the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2) ~ He writes my story.
• God is the beginning and the end; the All-Powerful (Revelation 1:8) ~His is the last say.
• Jesus is the bread of life (John 6:35) ~What am I hungry for?
• He is the Good Shepherd (John 10:14) ~A most trustworthy guide.
• The Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6)~ Ah, to rub shoulders with that kind of peace!

John 10:10 says the enemy has come to steal, and kill, and destroy.  

Steal our peace of mind. Steal a good night's sleep.  Steal our joy.  Kill our dreams.  Kill all hope. Kill our enthusiasm.  Destroy relationships.  Destroy life, itself.  

John 10:10 goes on to say, "But I (Jesus is talking) came that you may have LIFE and have it in abundance!  Have it to the full. Till it overflows!"

Abundant peace. Abundant rest.  Abundant joy.  Dreams-come-true. Hope eternal. Abundant energy and enthusiasm, and good relationships.  Abundant LIFE.

I learned some of these things from childhood.  But some lessons don't stick the first time around.  Hurricane Hilo left an imprint on my soul.  Every "abundance" I could imagine (and beyond my imagination) poured upon my family during and after this storm.  

As hard as "this" is for you right now, (whatever this is) grab hold of the truth of John 10:10.  He comes into your life to bring an overflow of goodness through this.  Even this.