Lesson # 12: The Weather Doesn't Matter!

I do not think I will find a reader that will argue that the Minnesota weather for April 2013 has been ridiculous.  The wind is howling as I write.  It is whipping our little windmill around so fast the blades nearly disappear from view.  And it is cold.  Downright cold.  I think the "high" this week will be a whopping forty degrees- maybe.

The schools have cancelled, rescheduled and cancelled the reschedules for baseball and softball.  Not thinking the track season is going much better.  And golf?  Well, the five inches of snow on the ground has probably delayed tee-time, you think?

It's what we talk about in Minnesota.  The weather.  And God has granted us a lot to talk about this April!  It really has not been April.  It's been more like March with a twist of January.  It's not easy, this non-spring spring.  Gardeners, farmers, athletes, and classroom teachers must all be coming to their wits end.  But the thing is, the weather really doesn't matter.

It rained every single day I was in Hilo, Hawaii.  Every. Single. Day.  And it not only rained, it poured.  Some days it rained twelve inches.  The sun did come out and the day it did, I went to the beach and soaked it all up.  It was magical. Hawaiian tropics, on the beach, in the sun, with a gentle breeze on my face.  The sun came out one other day.  I drove to the beach to sit and relax.  By the time my feet hit the sand, it was raining again.  I stayed on the beach just like the kids in the water.  Let it rain, I am at the beach in Hawaii!

The weather did not change Eric's condition.  I could have cursed the rain and the clouds.  I could have begged for the sun. I could have let it get to me, but I didn't.  Because I had another choice.  I had options.  We all do.  And one of the options was to embrace the rain.  To let the rain fall as it may.  To enjoy the rainfall, the sound of the water falling onto the metal rooftop. To watch it fill the streets before it made its way down the mountain and back to the sea from which is came.  I loved the rain.   I cherished the two days of sun, but I loved the rain.  Not because it was great having to use an umbrella every day.  Not because it was easy driving in it.  Not because it was fun to get wet and feel damp for hours afterward.  I loved the rain because it was what God had chosen.

I could not change the weather any more than I could change places with Eric.  I had no more control over trading the sun for the rain than I did in trading my healthy body for Eric's sick one.  I know Eric's dad would have done it in a heartbeat- allow his son relief and take it on for himself.  I was not so brave as to think I could even survive the trade.  Eric told me, "Mom, no offense, but I don't think you could endure this."  I defended my strength, but I did have to wonder...

When we bemoan the weather or the circumstances we find ourselves in, we do not change anything.  And change is what we want, really.  Deep down when we complain about the current situation, we want another situation.  We want warm, not cold. We want calm, not stormy. We want health, not sickness.  We want life, not death.

But the lesson I learned in Hawaii's rainy season was that it is a season and we are best to embrace it.  You do not have to go so far as love today's weather or love the circumstances that break your heart.   But it will be more peaceful in the long run if you accept this season in your life and find something good about it.  You may have to dig deep to find something to treasure about your current weather pattern, but do the digging- it is worth it.

It will help to remember this is a season.  When Eric was his sickest and I was most scared, it did help to consider how glorious it would be when Eric would smile again, laugh again, and we would get to go home.  The stormy weather we were in has provided us with the awareness of how GOOD the sunny days are!

I think when the first really  nice day of spring arrives in Minnesota, people all over the world will hear our collective, "Hallelujah!"

Lesson #11 Ask God Your Hardest Questions

One thing I have learned that has set me free in many ways, is that I can and ought to take my hardest questions to the King.  Some might suggest we should not question God.  Some might think it is disobedient to ask difficult, messy, embarrassing, impossible questions of the One who rules the world. But I say, this is precisely the reason we MUST ask Him those questions.  Who else on earth is going to be able to answer you?

If the Bible tells us that it is all a bit of a blur, that no one can really see things clearly (for now we see things in a mirror dimly; now we know in part - 1 Corinthians 12:13)  and the Bible tells us that humans can't really know the reasons why things happen because we can't think like God (As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your and my thoughts higher than your thoughts, says the Lord- Isaiah 55:9) then why do we think we can go to our pastors, our friends, and our family to get answers to our toughest questions?

They don't know any more than we know!  We all have blurred vision.  So, what do we do with our questions?  Stuff them down so deep they rarely surface?  Get really busy with something to avoid noticing they have surfaced?  Berate ourselves for thinking such thoughts?

No, we gotta ask the questions!   Don't you ever wonder?  Why did that child die?  What makes sense that a great daddy is taken from a family too soon?  Where is the mercy in a chronic illness?  How come a woman who desperately wants a child is infertile? Why her? Why him?  Why me?  Why not me?

I have had my share of questions over the years.  One of them centered around a prayer for healing that was answered with death, instead.  Another tough question focused on a hard life where the woman never seemed to have had the opportunity to dance, and what kind of life is it where you never dance? Another big question of mine has to do with a great dad who got cancer and depression and left this world never having much good happen between the diagnosis and the grave.

Where can you go with those questions?  Get really busy and stay really busy and ride the train called "Avoidance" as long as it is on the tracks.  If it stops, get on the next train named, "Distraction"  It'll drive you no where - but you'll get there fast!

How about we stop.  We get off the crazy train.  We sit.  We still our souls.  We let the questions resurface.  And we ask God.  And keep asking until we find some sort of satisfaction.  We may not get the answers, but I know we get peace.  The peace that surpasses all understanding.  The peace that doesn't make sense amid the questions.  You gotta keep asking!  And you gotta sit still long enough to hear His answers.  Be still and know that He is God- Psalm 46:10.

I know that it is absolutely OK to ask God the impossible questions.  How do I know this?  Because Jesus asked God a really hard question and if Jesus can do it, so can we!  As He hung on the cross, tortured, and in anguish, He asked it.  The really hard question!  "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" Why have you left me all alone?  WHERE ARE YOU GOD?

Have you ever asked that?  Good for you!  Just be sure you don't run off before He has time to speak to your heart and your soul.  Those things take time.  And you have to get off the train before you'll hear Him.

Lesson #10 Some Pain is Silent, Almost Invisible...

It has been a few weeks, maybe even a month since I last wrote.  Not for lack of lessons from Hurricane Hilo.  It just seems that this lesson has been simmering for a while and it wasn't quite 'right' for the sharing.  Most likely it was just me thinking that...

This lesson is from the silent, invisible part of the Hurricane- not the Eric Reinert part but the Holly Reinert part.  Holly has given me full permission to share her story- but up until I had permission, it was  hidden from the public eye.  As it should be.

All the while I was in Hawaii (and before I got there and after, too) Holly was suffering from major depression.  She was trying to deal with it on her own.  Then trying some medication.  Then trying no medication.  Then convincing herself it was not real.  All in a small, isolated, dark corner of the world.  She left for a job in Nebraska in August- without saying good-bye.  In the days before I flew out to be with Eric in Hawaii, I was honestly more concerned with Holly's well-being than Eric's.

With Eric's ordeal, I cried out to the entire world through emails, Facebook, and Caring Bridge.  I had a voice and I used it to ask for prayers and to release the pain and stress of the situation.  With Holly, I had no such platform.  While the world prayed for Eric's recovery, specific prayer by specific prayer, only a handful of people even knew of Holly's illness and the need for the same level of prayer.  How could I ask the world to pray for Holly- she was not even speaking to me!

But people prayed.  And it made all the difference.  I want to tell you this in case you think that you have to have a huge army of prayer warriors in order to get the King to pay attention.  Not the case.  Although I know that a large army of pray-ers stormed the gates of Heaven on Eric's behalf, I also know that the earnest prayers of a handful of faithful carried the same weight in God's eyes for Holly.

I tell you this to encourage you.  You do not have to share your story across the airwaves and cyberspace to find your answers.  Maybe yours is a personal, silent, almost invisible storm- raging inside, rather than outside.  Maybe there is no desire, like Holly, to broadcast your needs to every man and their uncle.  Maybe you want to, but you simply can't.  I am not so sure Holly did not want the same outcry for her pain relief as Eric.  It was just different.

My way of handling Eric's ordeal was not better or worse than the way I handled Holly's - it was simply different.  God honors our faithfulness, and our authenticity-- getting real with God might mean shouting from the rooftop.  It might also mean closing the prayer closet and seeking an appointment with the King behind locked doors.

The point is this:  whatever pain you are in (well known, highly-visible, and public or quiet, silent, almost invisible to the outside world) the answer is GET TO GOD!  Get real.  Ask the tough questions, seek His reply, wait until you have a satisfying answer-- otherwise keep asking!

For both Eric and Holly- God intervened in a mighty powerful way!  His timing was perfect and though He seemed long in His answers...with some still coming, He has always been right on time.

One of the sweetest things I heard from a friend after Hawaii went like this:  She came up to me and said, "Sorry I did not post on Caring Bridge or email you but I have been praying...but to be honest, most of my prayers were for Holly"  Music to my ears!  It was those quiet, hidden, yet super-powerful prayers that made all the difference.

There were two instances during the worst of it for Holly that she considered overdosing.  Both times she heard God speak to her, telling her "no, I have a purpose for your life".  I know that I know that I know it was because of those quiet, unassuming, faithful, invisible saints out there praying for her that stopped something bad from getting worse.  Holly knows it too.

If you wonder how prayer works- I do not have an answer.  If you wonder IF prayer works, I will tell you I know that it does; it always does.  And sometimes our most powerful prayer comes in the form of breathing....

Honest sighing is faith breathing and whispering in the ear; the life is not out of faith, where there is sighing, looking up with the eyes, and breathing toward God.

                                                                                      - Samuel Rutherford (1600-1661)  

Lesson #9 - I Miss Her More

Not sure this is a Lesson directly from Hawaii, but it is on my mind as I think about how much my sister Aggie (who passed away in late June from a sudden brain aneurysm) would have enjoyed watching Eric's interview on TV tonight.

I miss her more as the days go by.  She lived with her husband, Bob, in East Grand Forks, MN.  That is about a five hour trip on a day of sunshine and clean roads.  It becomes a seven + hour trip when the snow flies and the winds blow.  Interstate 94 simply closes down all together when the weather decides to turn nasty.

Aggie made that trip many times over the years.  She'd travel down to Watertown fairly often but it could be weeks or sometimes months before we would see one another.  So, when I didn't see her after she passed, it was hard for me to remember that she really wasn't just "up north" and that she wouldn't be traveling down in a "few weeks".

It's been about eight months since she passed and it's really sinking in that she is not coming home.  It's been too long a stretch since we  last saw her.  And it has been far too long since her last Facebook message or her last Caring Bridge post.

I miss her more now than ever.  Things happen in my days when I know she would have encouraged me had I shared a trouble with her.  She'd have had her restaurant 'regulars' praying for Eric and certainly would have kept them up-to-date on all that he has accomplished post-Hawaii.  Of all the people who posted on Caring Bridge, Aggie posted most often.  She sent us "little gifts" and anyone who knew her will understand what I mean by "little gifts" without further explanation.  She enjoyed finding something little and special that would speak to the person receiving it.

For me, the last gift I received from Aggie was a delicate snowflake charm on a necklace chain.  It was meant to remind us of the 'blizzard of love' that took over Eric's hospital room. The blizzard of paper snowflakes arrived in a large manila envelope.  People from all over Watertown wrote words of encouragement on paper snowflakes.  Dozens and dozens and dozens of those snowflakes created a virtual "white out" of love on Eric's hospital walls.  We still have each one.  Eric will need to dig those out and re-read them. Perhaps read them for the first time.  So much of his time was spent resting and recuperating that I doubt he had energy or eyesight to read them all!

But I did!  And I remember sitting in amazement realizing all the people who cared enough to stop by the Watertown Pharmacy to sign a snowflake.  Wow.  Don't ever underestimate the power of a small gesture.  Don't ever not "bother" because your idea seems insignificant.  Those snowflakes arrived when Eric needed all the encouragement he could get.  He was coming out of ICU and his bladder and bowels were in a coma.  He had lost his ability to walk and he was shocked that he could not find the energy to sit on the side of the bed (without falling over) for more than 30 seconds.  To sit up on the side of the bed was so hard.  So hard that those first days of Physical Therapy (PT) consisted of sitting up at the side of the bed for one minute and then being done.  Done!  I remember the first day they asked him to stand up, using a walker in front of him, a safety belt attached to his waist and two Physical Therapists at his sides-- he stood for a few moments (count to five?) and then sat back down and wanted to lie down and go back to sleep!  The PT's made him do that again.  Oh, the gall of those therapists...stand again?!

But back to the small things and my sister Aggie.  She sent me this beautiful snowflake necklace and she sent Eric a glass crystal angel.  Small in size.  Big in power!    I think she sent the snowflake necklace in part because she was unable to be a part of the local paper snowflake campaign.  Those paper snowflakes were simply paper to the outside world.  They were heaven's power for Eric and me.

A little third grader from Mr. Becker's classroom sent a card with an angel drawn on the front.  Inside it said, "put this card under your pillow when you go to sleep.  It will keep you from being afraid and you will be safe."    Do you think that Eric thought this was insignificant?  It was those types of gestures that gave him the courage to fight another day.  Do you get that?

Do the small things.  Those opportunities when you think, "I should do or send or say..." but wonder if it will matter.   Do it!  Send it!  And by all means, say it!

I miss her more after writing this.  

Lesson #8 Worried? Just Add Oil

Worry.  There are quotes and sayings galore that justify worry as a mother’s right, a necessary component to her DNA, an unavoidable realism in her life.  But Jesus commanded us not to worry.  He gave strict orders to stop all that nonsense and trust Him.   Trust God.  Trust the Holy Spirit within us.

Even for a really good reason, worry does not change anything.  Worry does not help an outcome or a present situation.  There is no direct correlation to the amount of worry you stir up in your heart.  The formula does not equate:  the more I worry = the better things will get. 

No, worry instills greater fear. It perpetuates doubt.  It takes the candle of faith and blows it out.  It increases the darkness.  It backfires! 

Worry is fret.  Fret is like friction.  The way we demonstrate ‘fret’ in our body language really speaks the truth of how closely it resembles friction. When you are fretful and anxious, examine how your body responds.  Rubbing your face.  Wringing of hands.  Licking your lips.  Biting your nails. Pacing the floor. Tossing. Turning. Friction is a rubbing together of two dry items.  This creates heat.  And this heat can lead to dangerous things.

Ask any mechanic. They will tell you that friction is the enemy to a well running engine.  Things rub, heat increases, engine parts burn. Damage is done.  Engines can be repaired and replaced, but the good mechanic will shake his head at the waste.  They murmur, “All that was needed to keep things running smoothly for a long time was a little bit of oil” 

Maintenance. Check your oil. Fill up what is empty. Don’t let things heat up ‘til you crack or blow up. Don’t let the grain of sand rub you the wrong way. Someone was disrespectful, how dare they treat me that way!  It starts out little.  The mechanic knows that the oil usually leaks out drip by drip.  Let things go too long and it’s a big mess.

We find ourselves worried, nervous, anxious, fretting, troubled, and overwhelmed.  What can we do?  Answer: add oil.  The oil that is referred to in Psalm 23 (He anoints my head with oil) made a lot of sense to the early shepherds.  In his book, Philip Keller, a sheep herder in his day, eloquently described the powerful message of this oil.  Sheep bothered by tiny summer flies act a lot like people bothered by tiny annoyances.  In his words…

"For relief from this (summer flies) agonizing annoyance sheep will deliberately beat their heads against trees, rock, posts, or brush. They will rub them in the soil and thrash around against woody growth. In extreme cases of intense infestation a sheep may even kill itself in a frenzied endeavor to gain respite from the aggravation. Often advanced stages of infection from these flies will lead to blindness.

"...Only the strictest attention to the behavior of the sheep by the shepherd can forestall the difficulties of 'fly time.' At the very first sign of flies among the flock he will apply an antidote to their heads.

"I always preferred to use a homemade remedy composed of linseed oil, sulfur and tar which was smeared over the sheep's nose and head as a protection against nose flies.

"What an incredible transformation this would make among the sheep. Once the oil had been applied to the sheep's head there was an immediate change in behavior. Gone was the aggravation; gone the frenzy; gone the irritability and the restlessness. Instead, the sheep would start to feed quietly again, then soon lie down in peaceful contentment.

"This, to me is the exact picture of irritation in my own life. How easy it is for there to be a fly in the ointment of even my most lofty spiritual experience! So often it is the small, petty annoyances that ruin my repose.

"Just as with the sheep there must be continuous and renewed application of oil to forestall the 'flies' in my life, there must be a continuous anointing of God's gracious Spirit to counteract the every-present aggravations of personality conflicts. Only one application of oil, sulfur and tar was not enough for the entire summer. It was a process that had to be repeated. The fresh application was the effective antidote.”

This is the cure to all worry!  Ask the Lord to anoint your head with oil.  As often as the worries crop up.  Ask for His oil to relieve the friction, calm the spirit, and settle your heart.  He will!  And it does! 

Lesson #7 We Only Have Now

As much as I like to plan ahead and dream big dreams, I really don't have much control over anything.  It was when I was completely out of control in Hawaii that I realized how true Proverbs 19:21 is, "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

Try as I might to keep my family safe, keep them healthy, and make dreams come true, I don't get the final say, I don't have the final authority, and I don't get to dictate my wishes to the King.  But that does not mean I need to be discouraged or dismayed.  It does not mean my King does not want the best for me. It does not mean my dreams won't come true.

Hurricane Hilo taught me that there is no greater joy than to be smack-dab in God's will.  If I am in a storm He has allowed, it is the safest place to be--for He is with me.  I have no desire to convince anyone that I know that I know that I know that no matter what the outcome of the Hurricane would have been, His grace would have been sufficient.  It just IS sufficient for what IS, not for what might be.

I don't go there much in my thoughts but I would venture to guess some people have wondered..."It is easy for Linda to say God's grace is sufficient when the outcome has been positive. But what would she say had Eric been permanently disabled -physically or mentally? And what would she say had Eric passed away from this horrendous disease?"

And because God did not ask me to walk those paths, I don't have an answer.  But I do believe deep in my soul that His grace IS sufficient for whatever comes our way.  He said so and I believe Him.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And I believe He loves my family even more fiercely than I do.  Why He asks hard things of His followers, I have no easy answers.  There are no easy answers when love is involved.  I remember the day I brought Eric home from the hospital as a newborn.  As the evening settled in, I was knocked off guard by HOW MUCH I loved him and how scary that was! Anything could happen to him!  Life would never be the same.   But we don't let fear win the argument.  When we welcome a child into this crazy, broken world, we shout to our fears, "I CHOOSE LOVE!"  Had I cowed to fear, Eric would be an only child.

This leads me back (on a winding road) to my lesson...all we have is now.  We don't have tomorrow.  We can plan because God gave us brains and order and (indirectly) planners.  But He has the final say.  His purpose gets to prevail because He is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving and when all is said and done, He has the best plan of all. And He loves us more than we can love us.  This I know.

Lesson # 6 Ask God "When?"

March 2012, almost one year ago, I asked Eric what his goals were.  He replied in a Caring Bridge post the following:

If I had to rank all of my goals in order of highest priority it would go as follows:

1. Get off pain meds
2. Strengthen legs to equal strength
3. Run pain free
4. Work Full-time
5. Be quick & agile
6. Buy car/move out
7. Play all sports again

During physical therapy, when asked about goals, he responded: to be able to wrestle again, to be able to pitch again, to be able to run again, and to be able to sprint again.

Then I asked Eric, "When do you think you'd like to be doing those things?"  His answer was full of wisdom.  He said there is no time deadline, but that when he could do those things, he would know he had reached his goals.  He never said "if" and he did not place an arbitrary deadline onto the goals.  His "when" seemed to be in perfect alignment with God.  How wise!

God talks about the "if" and "when" of faith and believing.  Jesus was summoned by a desperate father to heal a sick child.  The father says to Jesus, "If you can, please heal my son"  And Jesus scolds the man, "If  you can?"  "Everything is possible for one who believes!"  And then the father quickly comes to his own defense, saying, "I do believe but help me Jesus with my unbelief!"   (see Mark 9:23-25)

We also ask, "When Lord, how long, Lord, how long?"  King David cried out in anguish in Psalm 6:3 those very words.  How much longer Lord?  When can I have an answer?  When is it enough?  When will you come to my rescue?

At his worst pain in Hawaii, Eric looked at me, eyes filled with desperation mixed with a bit of despair, and asked, "When will this end? What if it doesn't get better?"

Those are some tormenting questions from a child.  I don't remember what I said.  What would you say to someone in deep agony where no one- not even the experts- sees any light at the end of the tunnel?  That is the "IF" that screams in us during our times of extreme torment.  When Eric's head was throbbing, and his nerves were on fire, and every move, sound, and sensation was like a knife stabbing him, he wondered IF it would get better.  He cried out for  an answer to "When will this end?!".  And fought off the disturbing, "What if it doesn't?"


I remember being on my knees in the chilly, basement chapel of Hilo Medical Center- begging God with the words of Psalm 6:3-  How much longer, Lord?  How much longer?  Please let things change!  MOVE! NOW!

I learned to rest on faith that God's timing is best. He has reasons beyond my comprehension.  He hears our cries and asks us to believe that EVERYTHING is possible with Him.

To take the "when" and apply it to Eric's list:

1. He is still on pain medications.  Just today he asked us to run to the pharmacy to pick up his refills.  He is needing less pain medication as time goes by.  It's a slow journey but we see progress, for sure.
2. His gait includes a slight limp.  Equal strength in the legs- not yet.  But strong enough to run.  Limp-schmimp.
3. He runs now.  Not sure it is pain-free but I do think that the pain he encounters is the day after a hard run, not during.  I'll ask!
4. Work full time.  Well he worked full time this summer and he is in school full time now.  That sounds like a resounding NOW!
5. He demonstrates improvements in both quickness and agility.  He would not be pitching 70 MPH to the U of M Women's team if he did not have some speed and agility.  Room for improvement, probably- but is that not true for all of us with most everything?
6. He has a car and he moved out.  Now. And now.
7. He played football with the cousins at Thanksgiving.  He ran in the Turkey Trot they threw together.  He played softball all summer.  He wrestled in the High School wrestling room as an alumni.  All with some limitations.

Lots of "now" answers to the "when" question.  But lots of "not yet" to others.  Perhaps "never" to some.  But only because that will be the best answer for the most people for the most glory to God.

Go ahead- ask God when!